An apology has been long due and I feel guilty extreme for being so utterly stupid and dumb at the time. Then again I don’t expect much from a first-year kid and neither should you. Still, this doesn’t give me the right to shout at people or blame them for things. I might justify most or all of my actions but please know that I understand nothing I did can be explained. It’s just my nature to defend myself and while I do that I still feel everything I did was not in the best interest of your well-being which is pretty wrong on my end. This is a sincere and heartfelt apology which I began writing on 2nd March 2023 and well, it’s not going to be an easy thing to write. Since the latest creative block, self-doubt has been at an all-time high and it’s difficult to put together and comprehend more than 4 words at once, let alone write them without grammatical errors. Focus and concentration have been absolutely destroyed by nicotine and alcohol addictions and the only thing I was grateful for, my grades, have absolutely no sense of dopamine in them.
I feel it is all because every week in 3 classes I look at you or hear your voice and I feel the emotions buried in the darkest depths of my heart surfacing and sitting there politely making me feel their presence. Your mere existence around me is enough to make me feel things that I never thought I would feel when I first talked to you. I revisit the places again and again where we had heartfelt and deep conversations and it just feels sad to not have you to talk to. The rudest or the harshest things I’ve told you or lashed out at you without thinking twice, all of them return back to me only to ask me “Was she wrong enough to be lashed out at in such and such way?”. I know I sound selfish in writing this apology but it is just better to let things out. I still buy Cavin’s Vanilla Flavour from Tuck Shop whenever I feel anxious. That was nothing to call you out for. I still listen to the Sweater Weather cover you made me listen to. You have been an integral part of me ever since day 1. And I do realise that you’ve always tried to help and I’ve always been unavailable. I’ve always rejected help from people and you shouldn’t be blamed for that. Only when I faced myself now, did I understand all these things and how wrong I was to say all the things I said.
I don’t expect you to forget things easily or talk to me normally again or forgive me for what I did. This apology is much intended for my internal peace and a try to extinguish my guilt of being the worst friend ever possible. I would like to apologise for all the sentences I said out loud to you which could’ve been phrased better. I apologise for being negative and constantly criticising throughout the duration of our friendship. And I apologise for everything I did that might’ve caused you any kind of inconvenience. I promise, to myself, and to you, that I would be a better man, a better person, and if not, the least I’ll try to do is not make people sad when I can’t cheer them up. Thank You!