With a dimly lit laptop screen screaming at my face, I proceed to write words and then delete them time and again. I look at the time and it is now 5.27 AM. I’ve been playing tennis with my thoughts for the last 49 minutes and I haven’t come up with anything of value. Everything seems to be either too dull to be shared with the world or too personal to shout about on the internet. These sudden bursts of emotions are the absolute worst. They always leave me with an empty head and a heart full of thoughts. I can think better but the more I think the more I get on the verge of imploding. The page screams again as I look at the clock one more time before putting the laptop out of its misery and finally swiping the 10% battery remaining red warning away plugging in the charger.
With the screen closed I look around and the emotions surface again. The empty room doesn’t feel so empty anymore. It feels as if the walls are closing up on me like a trap set up by an 80s movie villain. The walls come closer and closer until I can feel the cool surface with my bare cheeks. That is when the first drop of tear finally wins the fight it was fighting in the left eye and rolls down the uneven terrain of the skin of my cheek filled with craters and crevices and pimple marks, only to be dissolved into the paint of the wall and with it the other tears feel brave and courageous and they all start to jump off one by one. My heart finally caves in and I feel restless as I pick up the slightly charged laptop again and go on a desperate search to find some solace. I go about anything and everything across the internet looking for I don’t know exactly what. I stumble upon “Aaj jaane ki zid na karo” By Arijit Singh and miraculously all the walls return back to their original place. The tears, in the eyes, all dried up, after fighting a decent battle, get back inside to be released another day. Everything falls back into place as I thank Arijit Singh and the Internet for existing.
I take one last look at the clock: 7.22 AM. The sunlight now pierces the curtains right through with all its might as I sit back in the chair and get lost in my thoughts again. One more day of sleeping after watching the sunrise. It has become a habit now. Who do I blame for this? I can’t be doing all of this alone. You had been there and I had always slept peacefully. Why did you have to leave? Couldn’t you just stay? Or could I have asked you to say? Why, you ask? Isn’t it simple?
Tum hi socho zara
Kyun na rokein tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab
Uth ke jaate ho tum
I finally lie in bed and close my eyes. I find solace, I find my peace of mind. The lyrics are set on repeat in my head for an eternity now -
Tumko apni kasam jaane jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj Jaane ki Zid Na Karo